Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
