I looked at my own cervix.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
