I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
True college students do jello shots in the library
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
