Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i will never coherently bang her
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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