You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
