My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
