I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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