im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
