i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
