why didn't you poke me back
im six kinds of drunk right now
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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