i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
