Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
