There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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