god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
