Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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