i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
