I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
