I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
