His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
