dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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