Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
