My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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