Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
