A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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