you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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