i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Of course I have a pirate flag
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I think I just sharted jello shots
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
