I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
