my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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