I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
