We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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