I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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