I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Randomize
