ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
