My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
