If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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