Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There's always time for handjobs
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
