i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
