i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
