Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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