Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
