3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
