I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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