i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I need to sanitize my soul.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
