i would punch a child for taco bell
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
