i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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