She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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