oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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