she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
