never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
