god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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