my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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