I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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