I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
