my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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