Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
